


The Samwell Tango

by datneeks



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Gen, Song Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-18
Updated: 2015-05-18
Packaged: 2018-03-31 02:29:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3961003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/datneeks/pseuds/datneeks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To the tune of "The Cellblock Tango" from the musical, "Chicago."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Samwell Tango

**Author's Note:**

> yay, i managed to do a parody of this song without implying that anybody literally murdered anyone.
> 
> incidently, for anyone who needs incentive to follow/read the archives of bitty's twitter...the incident referenced in holster's verse? totally happened. (maybe minus the rpf tho but who knows really...)

Dex: “Chill”  
Bitty: Six  
Shitty: Flow  
Jack: Uh uh  
Holster: RPF  
Nursey: Haus dibs!  


Dex: “Chill”  
Bitty: Six  
Shitty: Flow  
Jack: Uh uh  
Holster: RPF  
Nursey: Haus dibs!

Johnson: And now six select players of the Samwell Men’s Hockey team will perform their rendition of “The Samwell Tango.”

Dex: “Chill”  
Bitty: Six  
Shitty: Flow  
Jack: Uh uh  
Holster: RPF  
Nursey: Haus dibs!

Dex: “Chill”  
Bitty: Six  
Shitty: Flow  
Jack: Uh uh  
Holster: RPF  
Nursey: Haus dibs!

Dex: “Chill”  
Bitty: Six  
Shitty: Flow  
Jack: Uh uh  
Holster: RPF  
Nursey: Haus dibs!

Dex: “Chill”  
Bitty: Six  
Shitty: Flow  
Jack: Uh uh  
Holster: RPF  
Nursey: Haus dibs!

ALL:  
They had it coming  
They had it coming  
They only had themselves to blame  
If you'd have been there  
If you'd have seen it  
  
Holster: I betcha you would have done the same!

Dex: “Chill”  
Bitty: Six  
Shitty: Flow  
Jack: Uh uh  
Holster: RPF  
Nursey: Haus dibs!  


Dex: “Chill”  
Bitty: Six  
Shitty: Flow  
Jack: Uh uh  
Holster: RPF  
Nursey: Haus dibs!

Dex (Spoken):  
You know how people have these little phrases  
That really GET to you  
Like Nursey  
Nursey likes to say “chill”  
Yeah, not “relax”...”chill!”  
So I came to the Haus this one day  
And I am really irritated  
And looking for someone to bitch to  
And there's Nursey laying on the couch  
Drinking a beer and relaxing  
No, not relaxing...chilling  
So, I said to him  
I said, "You tell me to ‘chill’ just fucking once..."  
And he did.  
So I grabbed two empty beer cans  
And I threw them--at his head!

ALL:  
He had it coming  
He had it coming  
He only had himself to blame  
If you'd have been there  
If you'd have heard it  
I betcha you would  
Have done the same

Bitty (Spoken):  
I met Betsy the SMH Haus Oven  
Early my freshman year  
And she seemed stable enough?  
And we hit it off right away  
So, I started bakin’ with her  
I'd go to class, I'd come to the Haus  
I'd fix up a quick pie, maybe make dinner  
And then I found out  
"Stable" I thought?  
"Stable," my behind!  
Not only did she burn my cobbler!  
Oh, no, she burned six pies!  
One of those decades-old ovens, you know  
So one night, when I came over  
I tried bakin’ somethin’ as usual  
You know, some ovens just can't handle one batch of cookies!  


ALL:  
She had it coming  
She had it coming  
She took his flour  
In its prime  
And then she used it  
And she abused it  
It was a murder  
But not a crime!  


Shitty (Spoken):  
Now, I'm standing in the kitchen  
Idly caressing my flow before dinner  
Mindin’ a bruh’s business  
And my asshole dad calls me  
In some kind pompous rage  
"You need a haircut!" he says  
He was crazy and he kept screaming,  
"Get a dang haircut!"  
And then I told him to fuck off.  
I told him to fuck off ten different ways!

ALL:  
If you'd have been there  
If you'd have heard it  
I betcha you would have done the same

Jack (Spoken):  
Pourquoi suis-je là?  
On dit j’ai consommé trop de drogues et chu un échec.  
Mais ça n’est pas vrai, j’ai un futur!  
Je ne sais pas pourquoi les analystes de sport  
Ont abandonnés moé.  
J’essaie d'expliquer dans mes interviews  
Mais personne n’comprend.  


Shitty (Spoken): Bruh, you can't possibly think there's anything to that bullshit, though.

Jack (Spoken): Uh uh! Not hopeless!

Holster (Spoken):  
My best bro Ransom and I are basically a double act  
Particularly when it comes to wheeling  
Now, our favorite wheeling method  
Is offering to read-slash-act out hockey RPF  
Starring our very own Jack Zimmermann  
Coffee shop AUs, high school AUs, gender swaps  
Soul bonds, Alphas, shapeshifting, all that stuff  
So this one night after a double date  
We’re up in our attic, three of us, boozin'  
Havin' a few laughs while I do some laundry  
So I go down to check the dryer  
I come back, look at the door, and there’s a jock on the handle!  
He had a quiz the next day!  
Well, I was in such a state of shock  
I completely blacked out, I can't remember a thing  
It wasn't until later when I was folding my laundry  
I even realized I’d have to interruptus the coitus to put it away.  


Holster: They had it coming  
Boys: They had it coming  
Holster: They had it coming  
Boys: They had it coming  
Holster: They had it coming all along  
Boys: They had it coming all along  
Holster: I didn't do it  
Boys: He didn't do it  
Holster: But if I done it  
Boys: But if he done it  
Holster: How could you tell me that I was wrong?  


Holster: They had it coming  
Boys: They had it coming  
Holster: They had it coming  
Boys: They had it coming  
Holster: They had it coming  
Boys: They took The Bro Code  
Holster: All along  
Boys: At its best  
Holster: I didn't do it  
Boys: And then they used it  
Holster: But if I'd done it  
How could you tell me that I was wrong?

Nursey (Spoken):  
I want Haus dibs more than I can possibly say  
I’m a chill artistic bro...sensitive...a poet  
But I’m always looking for an “in”  
I’d go over to the Haus trying to earn dibs from one of the seniors  
And my competition is Chowder, Ollie, Wicks, and Dex  
I guess you can say Dex and I have artistic differences  
He thinks he needs to work harder and I think he needs to chill!  


ALL: He needs to chill, chill, chill, chill, chill  
Gotta find more chill, chill, chill, chill, chill

Boys (Group 1): Life here at Samwell  
Boys (Group 2): Life here at Samwell  
Boys (1): Is pretty swawesome  
Boys (2): Is pretty swawesome  
Boys (1): It has its moments  
Boys (2): It has its moments  
Boys (1): But that’s life  
Boys (2): But that’s life  
Boys (1): 'Cause a few moments  
Boys (2): 'Cause a few moments  
Boys (1): #NBD  
Boys (2): #NBD  
ALL: Our team can handle a little strife  


Boys (1): We got a great team  
Boys (2): We got a great team  
Boys (1): “Got your back” on and off the ice  
Boys (2): “Got your back” on and off the ice  
Boys (1): If you're at Samwell  
Boys (2): If you're at Samwell  
Boys (1): Then come on over  
Boys (2): Then come on over  
ALL: And you can have some of Bitty’s pie!

Dex (Spoken): You tell me to "chill" one more time!  
Bitty (Spoken): "Stable" my behind!  
Shitty (Spoken): Ten different ways!  
Jack (Spoken): Informez le média j’ai un futur!  
Holster (Spoken): There was a jock on the door!  
Nursey (Spoken): Artistic differences!  


Dex: “Chill”  
Bitty: Six  
Shitty: Flow  
Jack: Uh uh  
Holster: RPF  
Nursey: Haus dibs!


End file.
